The Visitor in a Small Body

A grey day it was. It had been like that since morning. I didn’t think the sun was going to come out. It was drizzling lightly. I thought of stopping by the park before going home. I just wanted to unwind after the whirlwind shopping. Ramya, my old time friend, had to do all her shopping at the last minute. Thankfully she was leaving tonight. My feet were killing me! 

It was nearing 6 o’clock and I knew I did not have much time. Vidyut, my son, had his flute class at 7pm. The weather being the way it was, the park was nearly empty. Here and there few children were playing. Their parents cajoling them to come away as evening would soon be upon. I smiled remembering how some six years back I was doing the same thing with Vidyut. He was always happy being outside the house. Always happy to be with lots of company, irrelevant was it if he knew them or not. It was so simple to put him into play school. As soon as he crossed the doorstep of his school he would forget that I had come to drop him! Now, he still enjoyed being out of the house but not in the park.

I still loved to come to the park to watch the children play. Young mothers would bring their little darlings, some chubby some puny. I would ask to fondle them, enjoying their toothless grins and throaty chuckles. My friends would tease me saying that I was ready for my next. I just cannot resist a wide smile with finger in the mouth and drool dripping from the sides!! Yes, it seems icky but that’s the time when babies smell of…..well, babies!

Reminiscing thus I walked to the park gate. I was already unwinding with just the thoughts of all the young, effervescent energy I would perceive there. As I approached lost in thought a two-wheeler nearly ran into me. Shocked out of my reverie I looked at the driver. It was a lady. My eyes met hers and I was hit by such a strong feeling of despair. My hand involuntarily rose to touch my heart. In my mind's eye, I saw a deep black pool, like an abyss and that this woman was trying to come out of it. She had been crying for her eyes were red. She was in deep pain. I could sense that. When our eyes met again there was an apology in them. I opened my mouth to say I was fine but she sped off. With her gone I realized there was a crowd of onlookers wondering whether I was fine. I smiled to them and moved quickly into the park. I just needed to sit. Her sadness had drained me of my energy.

I sat on the white stone benches provided all along the park. It was cool from the weather but not wet. I relaxed in its coolness. My shoulders and back well supported and caressed by the cool stone. The damp grass brushing the soles of my feet was very refreshing. With this luxury I probably dozed a little. I was awakened by a fresh yet chilly breeze on the face. I didn’t know how to feel. I enjoyed the freshness of the breeze but felt uncomfortable about the chilliness. It didn’t seem natural.

I sat up in my seat and looked around. The remaining parents were leaving or already out the park gate. It would have been past 6 guessing from the amount of daylight left. Needing to be at home to take Vidyut to class, I shifted on the bench but was reluctant to get up. There again was a light breeze and on my left were the toddler swings, the ones which have harnesses so that the little ones don’t fall out. One of the toddler swings began to gently move to and fro. I heard the hinges squeaking. The wind blew gently. The swing continued to squeak. A baby chuckled. The unmistakable throaty chuckle they give when they feel their enthusiasm tingling within them. I smiled at that. I heard the chuckle again but this time, a little louder and with more enthusiasm.

“This little fellow is really enjoying himself.” Smiling, I got up from the bench and turned to get a look at the baby. I was expecting to see a chubby little fellow on the swing. But, the smile on my face faded as I did not see any baby, or a parent anywhere in sight. Rather the park now had a deserted look. No parent or child. I was sure I had heard the chuckle at close hand but there was no one in the park. Perplexed, at the situation I found myself putting it down to exhaustion. I decided it time to set for home.

Just then the breeze brought along with it the little one’s gurgle. I turned in the direction of the swings. It’s one of those irresistible noises baby’s make that urges you want to sweep them up into your arms and hug them tightly to you. That’s when I realized that something was just not right. There was light wind but only one swing was moving. The rest were motionless. So were the others in the near vicinity. In the past this would have spooked me to the point of me running out of there. But over time I learnt how to deal with such situations….let's say….tactfully.

I sat myself on the bench once more. My brain processing this situation. It is not something we do normally. What was I supposed to do? Get up and leave and allow little fellow from beyond enjoy his time at the park? Would that have been disrespectful? Never had I imagined till that time that I would encounter a cuddly toddler from beyond. For me children were life itself. Embracing their small bodies was like embracing life just the way it was and loving it too. More than spooked I felt terribly sad.

“Who is to blame in a situation like this?” From the sadness within me this question arose.

I opened my mouth to answer. I stopped myself wondering what on earth was I going to utter and who was asking in the first place?

I thought it best to leave instead of getting entangled any further with the situation at hand. Just I desired to leave a serene calm descended over me and continued on that cold white stone bench, just me and the toddler from beyond. I did not feel fear or threat of any kind. A message for someone was going to be imparted I felt. “Who is to blame?” I heard again. But it was not outside me rather it was inside my head. I perceived that it was the baby, more specifically the personality that had inhabited the baby’s physical shell.

“I wanted to be born to her, my mother of this life. She still has not made the time to learn. I thought it would be different this life together but it seems much more is to be worked out.”

“What do you mean?” the question formed from within me. “Why is anyone to be blamed?”

“My mother of this life was my elder sister in another lifetime. I still remember the smell of her clothes. She would hold me close to her bosom and hum to me. Her voice was my security. Our parents died when we were very young. My sister went on to marry young in life. Caught up in responsibilities of her new life she stopped caring for me. The severe winter was harsh on my small body. It was compounded by starvation, I died. She regretted her act and in that intense moment desired to be my mother to atone for what she felt was wrong.”

“So you think she is to be blamed?” I asked.

“I felt she was ready. I wanted to give her a chance. Who can be blamed, me, who made a choice to be born to her or her for not being ready to experience this relationship?”

“Why do you want to communicate this to me?” I wanted to know.

“I was a born as her little boy. I was thrilled to be near her and hear her hum to me. She would bring me here to this very same park. My favourite was this swing and I felt so wanted and loved when she spent her time with me. But all that changed. She again became indifferent to me and since both of my parents did not care to make time for me, I made the choice to leaving the physical body. This time I died longing for love. Without the love energy surrounding me and protecting me I just withered away. Now, again, she is grieving for her act. The weight of which is becoming unbearable for her. I am choosing to give her another chance but if she has this information communicated to her prior to conceiving again…..we could make it work for both of us. I need you to communicate this to her. Please.”

“How do I know all this isn’t playing in a tired head? I do accept that I am very tired after being on me feet!” I argued.

“Actually, you have seen the woman who was my mother. You saw her at the gate incident. It would not be difficult to approach her.”

“How am I to believe this is not just in my head? How will I know where to find her? It would be so awkward to approach someone and talk of such personal matters.” I protested.

“What you are witnessing is not ‘in your head’ as you put it. You want proof. I shall give you. I know where she will be tomorrow at 5pm. Go to the place I direct you and you will see her. That will be your proof. When you are satisfied that this is not your imagination, please convey to her that which I have communicated to you.” 

I felt ready to leave, like the moment had ended. I left the park. At home Vidyut was watching television and doing his homework simultaneously. “Hey Ma.” Again his concentration went back to the T.V. “You were out shopping till now?” he asked with an incredulous tone. “You forgot I had class today?” he went on. Before I could say anything he simply turned round, with a crooked smile, looked straight at me and said “It’s ok Ma, class was cancelled.” I thanked God that his class was called off but it did make me feel just a little guilty that I was not there for my boy, especially after my dialog in the park.

After dinner and the family all tucked in I lay wide awake wondering whether to go and meet the lady or not. Still undecided I slept off at some point during the night. In the morning my last evening’s episode definitely seemed a riotous play of my imagination! Having decided not to venture out I busied my self with the house chores when Asha, my friend called. She informed me that the magician that Vidyut was crazy about was performing at a close by mall. It was a chance for him to get up close and have a first hand experience. I agreed to meet her there an hour before the show started. 

We met up and soon enough the kids were off. I sat chatting with Asha for sometime. For no apparent reason I began to feel a little restless. Shifting in my chair I caught the comment of two ladies passing by. They turned one last time to look at some lady at the baby store behind me before moving on. Curiosity impelled me to look in the direction of the baby store. “Hey, it’s 5 now and the show is going to begin in a little while, I think we should round up the kids. What say?” asked Asha.

“Did you say it was 5?” I could not believe what was unravelling. In spite of dismissing my escapade with the little boy from beyond as part of an over active imagination here I was at the very same place that I had been instructed and also at the same time. So even though this seemed so freakish, I just had to go up and see for myself. I instructed Asha to take the kids and agreed to meet her in a little while.

The lady, she seemed like she were window shopping. She was elegantly dressed giving the air that she was of affluent background. Her hair was tied in a tight bun. Her choice of hair style made me feel how much feelings this lady was holding tightly. The shop sold all sorts of baby goods. Parents would love to see their young ones dressed up in the many adorable outfits displayed. She did not turn to look at me as I went up to her. She was engrossed in viewing the displays. Hesitantly, I turned to get a better look at her. A tear trickled down her cheek. She was the same lady who I had seen on the two-wheeler at the park. She must have felt my eyes on her. Conscious of my presence now she quickly wiped the tear and wore a pair of shades. As she turned to leave she looked at me. She stopped probably recollecting where she had seen me. I just stood there, heart thumping in my chest wondering if she was going to leave and if she did what would I say. 

Thankfully, I didn’t have to do anything. Taking off her shades she moved in my direction. I sensed her discomfort in her body language. I smiled at her when our eyes met. She had very sad eyes. Any amount of crying could not wash off her pain, it seemed. “I don’t know if you recognize me. I….” she began fumbling with her shades. 

“Yes, from the park last evening.” I completed. 

“I am terribly sorry for my behaviour. I should have been more careful. I am sorry. I just haven’t been my self lately….” her voice began to crack. 

“Yes, I can understand how…” 

“You could not possibly understand anything!” she shot angrily with tears in her eyes. 

“Believe me, I do” the softness and understanding in my tone made her look at me. 

“Your little boy told me.” 

All that she could do was look at me with eyes wide open. Someone had just gate crashed a most intimate part of her! She went so pale I thought she was going to faint on me. I made her sit at a table not far from the store. She sat opposite me….dead silent…excuse the pun. I ordered for hot drinks to be served, hoping to get some response out of her. 

I told her in detail all that transpired between me and her son after she had left the park. The hot cocoa really did help thaw her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. It was like the sorrow was being hammered out of her heart. A few tears fell into her cocoa but she seemed oblivious of any flavour change, if any. The knowledge of her past and current life’s happenings threw some light on her relationship with the young fellow and what needed to be done subsequently. 

“Why did he choose to communicate to you? Not me. I am….was his mother.” She asked after her long silence. 

“That often is the reason.” I said softly. She looked at me questioningly. I continued to explain to her that when the parent or family members are in grief they tend to envelope themselves with a dense aura of pain and remorse. Their concentration is on the pain and loss they feel that they do not leave much room to receive communication from their dear departed ones. This explanation seemed to make sense to her. She nodded her head but sat silently looking in the direction of the baby store. “I used to take him to that very park. His favourite was the swings. He loved it and I loved watching him enjoy every push. He would squeal and gurgle. He had the most divine chuckle. I would push him higher just to hear him laugh.” She shared with me. “Now I go there just to grasp whatever solace I can grab at. When my son was around I did not have time from my work. Now that I have no job, I have time but no one to share it with.” 

“This must be the store you frequented for your son.” I said. She nodded. He knew she would come here. Despite dismissing this episode, my little fellow from beyond saw to it that I ended up in this very same mall and at the very same time. He saw to it that his message was well communicated. I too had my proof that all this was not a play of an over-shopped head! Before leaving I did share one more bit of information. “We do not get to choose who we want as our children. The new entrant gets to pick whose child it wants to be. It chooses us so that it can experience that which it has outlined for this current life. After birth if it sees that the circumstance in the current life will not prove helpful it sees a window and terminates a life experience. If a new born does not receive the warmth of love it shrivels and dies too. Our children are a responsibility not our property or liability. Just as an unknown higher source loves us without expectations we too must share that love with our children.” 

I reminded her that she had another chance in this life time and that she should endeavour to make a difference. I got up leaving her lost in thought. I made my way through the crowd that had gathered to see the magician. I caught up with Asha, her kids and Vidyut. He was so excited with each new trick the magician pulled out. I smiled inwardly having just witnessed the unrivalled trick performed by the Great Magician.